What would happen if Barack Obama became president...
• After long, costly and divisive recounts in North Carolina and New Hampshire, John McCain finally concedes to Barack Obama. The stock market surges with the news
• Upon his inauguration, Obama states once and for all that he is not in fact Muslim, disappointing Hamas leaders, who really regret throwing away their endorsement over what they saw as “coded phrases” during the campaign.
• Critics of Obama are soon vindicated, however, when the president appoints William Ayers, Rev. Jeremiah Wright and Oprah to cabinet-level positions, saying at a press conference simply: “Suckers.” The stock market tanks again.
• Joe Biden spends his first two months as vice president checking in at the Oval Office every day to see if there’s anything he can, only to be turned away, muttering under his breath about Scranton or broken kneecaps or something.
• All of President Obama’s attempts to alleviate the ever-worsening economic crisis come to naught, from the Great Additional Bailout of February ’09 to the Even Greater More Additionaler Bailout of March ’09.
• On April 3, 2009, China finally makes good on its promises to buy the U.S. outright and turn it into an amusement park.
• Shortly after being deposed by his new Chinese overlords, Barack Obama admits, finally, that he is in fact Muslim. Suckers.
What would happen if John McCain became president...
• After long, costly and divisive recounts in Wisconsin and New Hampshire, Barack Obama finally concedes to John McCain, insisting that it is time for our fractured nation to heal. Seven state Supreme Court justices resign in protest. The stock market disintegrates.
• While Chief Justice Roberts recites the presidential oath at the inauguration, McCain becomes flustered, throws up his hands and says, “If you think you can do it better, fine. I didn’t want the damn job anyway.” He then storms off the stage and locks himself in his nearby condo with every season of “Blossom” on DVD. When anyone tries to reason with him through the door, McCain simply turns up the volume.
• Sarah Palin does her best to fill the power vacuum, but she soon begins publicly criticizing herself for succumbing to Washington-style big government. She soon steps down under the pressure of her own accusations.
• Following presidential chain of command, Nancy Pelosi becomes president, but spends her first two weeks gloating, completely missing the economy’s last great freefall.
• Completely broke, the U.S. has no choice but to accept China’s offer to buy it outright.
• When his new Chinese overlords try to roust him from his bunker-like condo, a bleary-eyed John McCain attempts to declare war on the Chinese. He fails.
[Metro]
2 comments:
I have one problem with your post. McCain can't throw his hands up in the air like he just don't care due to the 5 years he spent becoming an American Hero while he was a POW. Every day the broke his shoulder blades again, thus enabling him to get the swing votes of "people who can't wave hello across a crowded room."
McCain can throw his hands up. Just not as far as me and you. When he does it, it looks like anyone else saying, "Keep it down."
Post a Comment