You deserve a break

On Fridays, I stop all this political nonsense and get back to the tough task of mocking the celebrity industrial complex in my weekly column, the Word, available on my other site.

To entice you, here's this week's entry:

She can save money by Djing her own wedding!
Supposedly, wedding bells are ringing around Hollywood because Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are going to tie the knot. It doesn’t matter that they’re not even officially an item yet. Earlier this week, Ronson stopped the music during one of her DJ gigs at the Chateau Marmont to proclaim, “By the end of this year, my love will be Mrs. Ronson.” Does that sound more like a threat than an announcement to anyone else?

She went on to add, “Tonight shows the power of a woman. To underestimate that is to underestimate the world,” which kinda sounds like an endorsement for Hillary Clinton, only a few months too late. Or maybe Sam’s a Sarah Palin gal.

But end of the year? Really? Why the rush, Sam? Maybe it’s because of all those baby rumors. Yes, baby rumors. Britain’s News of the World originally reported that the young ladies wanted to make their duo a power trio, though Lohan’s reps quickly denied it. But now Star magazine has sources to quote, so it’s totally going to happen.

Says their source: “Lindsay told Sam that she’s been feeling more and more maternal in the past few months and she wants to get pregnant.” Of course, with a mother like Dina Lohan, who knows what Lindsay thinks “maternal” means.

The birds, the bees and Mommy’s home video
Speaking of children, Pam Anderson has had to undertake the sensitive subject of explaining her infamous sex tape with former/current/former/current beau Tommy Lee to the two sons she had with Lee. The boys are 10 and 12 years old.

She had to know this day was coming. Heck, we all did, but we didn’t think it would come before the kids hit bar mitzvah age. So why did the big day come so early? Why don’t we ask Pam. “They really wanted to see ‘Borat,’ and I finally had a breakdown and let them because all their friends had,” Anderson told reporters.

In the movie, Sacha Baron Cohen’s character, obsessed with Anderson, sees the famous footage of Pam and Tommy doing some interesting things on their honeymoon in 1995. “I explained to them… ‘Mom and daddy run about naked all the time, and we taped some things... and someone stole the tape,’” Anderson said. Ah, yes. It’s a conversation every parent knows all too well. We applaud Pam for handling it with such sensitivity and maturity. No, seriously. She’s a champ. What would you do?

Of course, we’re hoping the older of her sons isn’t too good at math, because once he puts two and two together… ew.