Again with the Muslim thing

Remember all those rumors that Barack Obama is a secret Muslim? Because they’re still here. But maybe speculation about his closet Quranophilia and love of headdresses isn’t enough. Maybe you need something a little... saucier. How about this: Obama is actually the Antichrist.

That chestnut has been working its way through Al Gore’s series of tubes for about six months, but only recently did it hit the inbox of Fort Mill, S.C., Mayor Danny Funderburk. Danny Boy, also chairman of the National Conference of Mayors with Silly Names, found the e-mail intriguing. It pointed out that the Book of Revelations says the antichrist will be in his 40s and of Muslim ancestry—just like Barack!

Only not. Because — for the 500th time, people — Barack. Obama. Is. Not. Muslim. Also, the Book of Revelations says no such thing, but whatever. It was enough to intrigue Mayor Fuddrucker. In an interview with the Charlotte Observer, he said he was “just curious if there was any validity to it. I was trying to get documentation if there was any scripture to back it up.”

To do that, he followed a favored research method of library scientists everywhere: He forwarded it on to a bunch of people with no comment and no subject line. That’s what I call getting answers! So has he gotten any? Does he think Obama is the Antichrist? “I’ve got absolutely no way of knowing that,” Mayor Fiddlesticks said. Which isn’t a no, is all I’m saying.

[Wonkette]

It's OK to look

Debate season got off to a promising enough start Friday night when John McCain actually showed up. So that means the economy’s all fixed, right? Awesome. Guess I can go ahead and buy that gold-plated speedboat, then.

But Lehrer wouldn’t let it go, and totally went out of his way to make it OK for the candidates to discuss the economy even though they were only supposed to be proving who was better at pronouncing “Ahmadinejad.” What’s up with that, Jim? Can’t you stay on topic. God, PBS is so ADD sometimes.

So then Obama and McCain were all blah blah blah “I’m gonna fix things, “No, I am,” “Surge good,” “Surge bad,” “Tax cuts,” “Kittens” and so forth, but I was too distracted by Lehrer asking the candidates to address each other directly, make eye contact and just kiss already!

OK, Jim, baby, we appreciate your die-hard romantic spirit, but stop trying to make McBama happen. The beady-eyed match-making is just awkward for us watching at home. Some couples just aren’t meant to be, like John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston, or Larry Craig and ladyfolk.

But McCain refused entertain Lehrer’s eHarmony ploys—the senator couldn’t even look Obama in the eye. Which makes sense, since McCain’s heart already belongs to Sarah Palin. Because once you go poorly vetted cynical political stunt, you never go back.

You deserve a break today

It's Friday, which means it's time to suspend this blog while I go fix the national economy. Country first!

In the mean time, there's always my other column, the Word, where I make fun of celebrities and celebrity culture in an oh-so-charming way. Here's a taste of today's edition:

Oh, don't act so surprised
British PR flacks are feigning outrage because Amy Winehouse, that pillar or moderation and class, has reportedly ruined some dresses sent to her on loan in the run-up to London Fashion Week.

Apparently, the naïve folks over at Harvey Nichols loaned dear, sweet Amy $50,000 worth of silk and satin dresses. Amy put on the nicest one and hit the town, and eventually did what she does best: vomit. KEEP READING

You don't mess with the Letterman

For those who missed it, David Letterman's reactions to John McCain canceling an appearance because he had to fly back to D.C. to single-handedly save the economy:

Scent of a winner

With so many voters still listing themselves as “undecided,” it may be time for the McCain and Obama campaigns to bring out the big guns: perfume.

Russell Brumfield, author of “Whiff! The Revolution of Scent Communication in the Information Age,” has been storming the press to get the word out about the power of “endorphin branding” and how the presidential candidates can use it to their advantage on election day: “Recent brain research shows that scent speaks to people in a powerful language that triggers emotions and memories that influence perceptions and decision-making,” Brumfield says. And who am I to argue with recent brain research?

Let’s let the good folks at askthewhiffguys.com spell it out: “Endorphin branding is the use of scent as a means of imprinting a highly emotional, positive experience in tandem with a targeted signature scent, which can be reintroduced at a later time to trigger and recreate the desired response.”

Well, that’s not creepy at all. But which campaign will seize on this first, turning our precious holdouts into a legion of “Manchurian Candidate”-style sleeper swing-voters? And how will they get close enough to the voting booths to pump in the appropriate trigger scents? There’s obviously only one solution: The candidates will have to get voters to associate them with the smell of elementary school gymnasiums.

I love the smell of subliminal voter manipulation in the morning. It smells like … well, CK One, actually, which is weird.

[Newsweek]

A T-shirt's worth a thousand words

Kids really do wear the darndest things sometimes. Daxx Dalton, an 11-year-old fifth-grader in Aurora, Colo., was suspended for refusing to change out of a homemade T-shirt that read “Obama a terrorist’s best friend.”

After the suspension, the boy’s father, Dann Dalton, was quick to hold a press conference to complain that Daxx’s first amendment rights had been trampled. “It’s the public school system,” Dalton the Elder told the local Fox affiliate. “Let’s be honest, it’s full of liberal loons.”

While the lettering on the XXL white Hanes pocket T won’t win young Daxx any art scholarships, at least it’s all spelled correctly. (Assuming he designed the shirt himself.) So, score one for No Child Left Behind?

But the real issue is that the shirt is too vague. It leaves too much open to interpretation. Yes, OK, fine. “Obama a terrorist’s best friend.” But which terrorist? You’re going to have to be more specific, folks, especially now that you’re planning to pursue a lawsuit.

I’d like to take a moment to address young Daxx himself now: Daxx, my man, it’s no use. The same thing happened to me when I tried wearing my Bart Simpson “Underachiever and proud of it” shirt. You can’t fight the school board. They’re just too powerful. If there’s anyone you should be mad at, it’s your dad. Everyone knows your name is only supposed to have one X.

[source]

Hehe... stimulating

Just added to the recommended links section:

My friend Matt runs a blog, Stimulating the 2008 Presidential Election, that's a whole lot of fun with numbers and odds and things that I don't understand really, because Matt is much smarter than me, though I have better table manners, so it all evens out. Anyway, it involves odds, which makes me think about gambling, and it uses the word 'stimulation' a lot, which makes me giggle. Check it out. You'll obsess.

A nation of wineries

Another symptom of our floundering economy, or just a really unfortunate coincidence? The owner of a San Francisco wine bar was doing a brisk business with an organic wine imported from Chile: Palin Syrah. But after a certain nomination last month, sales have dried up.

“It was our best-selling wine before [the V.P. announcement],” Chris Tavelli, owner of Yield Wine Bar, told the Serious Eats blog. But since then sales have plummeted. Because wine drinkers in San Francisco really are that petty. Really. What’s worse is they’re letting their personal politics get in the way of a perfectly good election-season gag gift. Because now you can get away with making jokes about Sarah Palin’s nose!

Tavelli said he hasn’t decided if he’s going to order more when he eventually sells out the two cases he has left, so, you know, collector’s item? He said he isn’t sure about reordering just yet: “I guess it depends on how the election goes.”

I’ll take this moment to point out that McCain Foods makes frozen jalapeño poppers, but only because I wanted to work in a mention of McCain-brand poppers.

But you know what? I’ll bet Palin Syrah goes great with a heaping serving of Obama Waffles. What, like you never have a drink with breakfast? Don’t judge me.

[Wonkette]

The debates rage on

Get excited, everybody! The Commission on Presidential Debates (voted sexiest nonpartisan commission in 2007 by People magazine) came out with its list of what they’re doing this year to keep the televised sparring matches fresh and exciting for, let’s face it, easily bored viewers at home. Anything to hold our interest, right?

Gone is the traditional question/answer/rebuttal format. Now Obama and McCain will get two minutes to pander before they launch into a free-wheeling back-and-forth in which they can argue and address each other directly. This raises the truly awesome possibility of Obama whipping out a “Ladies, back me up here” when discussing women’s issues. Awesomeness.

By contrast, the McCain campaign requested a much more structured format for the debate between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden. Yes, but why? According to the New York Times, “McCain advisers said they had been concerned that a loose format could leave Ms. Palin, a relatively inexperienced debater, at a disadvantage and largely on the defensive.”

In response, the McCain campaign was aghast at the level of sexism the McCain campaign has displayed in suggesting that Gov. Palin cannot hold her own against Sen. Biden in the same open format the presidential nominees will be using. Just because she’s a lady? For shame. The McCain campaign also condemned the McCain’s campaign’s attack on Palin’s amount of experience.

Biden’s camp was totally all “Fine, whatever” about the new rules, once again displaying the unparalleled level of nonchalant indifference that really gets voters fired up.

Friday fan-mail roundup!

[Note: Fridays are also snarky gossip days, so head on over to check out the latest edition of the Word, in which we mock Jerry Seinfeld and take Denise Richards to task for her parenting. Fun!]

Since there's no column in the paper on Fridays, I thought today would be a great chance to see what some of my loyal readers think. I get lots of expressive, thoughtful letters, like this one, which ran in Metro earlier this week. Indeed, I should seek counseling. Thanks, Andie! If that is your real name!

Matthew Hoover writes:

I love how you think “giant bowl of suck” makes you appear witty and edgy. Really, it only shows you haven’t a clue. Maybe if you weren’t an Obama mouthpiece you could actually report real analysis and insight. Not that I’d expect much from the Metro. A paper that once again proves the adage that you get what you pay for.

That's cold, Matt. Ryan Karchner writes in with:

How come in your article you didn't mention anything about Barack Obama smoking crack and marijuana in his younger years? I can't believe I'm even wasting my time responding to this article.

Me neither! Thomas Barnes wanted to share, too:

I can see that you do not care about fair and balance news coverage. Your goal is to smear Senator John McCain and Gov. Palin. As of today's date, I am an undecided voter. My vote is starting to swing towards the McCain/Palin ticket. Why? Unprofessional media men like you. I am happy to say your articles are at the bottom of my puppy's bed pan.

Puppies get bed pans now? Awesome. And Joseph Muzzillo sent me this beautiful run-on sentence:

you must be a democrat you always slam palin and mccain obama is no saint he is arrogant and his pie face wife ill send you her thesis send it to butt ugly oprah

Well, that's all for me, folks. Have a great weekend!

"Survivor: Washington"

As you might’ve heard, Barack Obama headed out to Hollywood for a pricey dinner/Barbra Streisand concert to raise money from the only people who have any left in America: celebrities. Among those in attendance: Leonardo DiCaprio, Jodie Foster and Will Farrell. (Bet you didn’t think when you bought that DVD of “Blades of Glory,” some of the money would eventually go toward a $28,000 filet of beef and asparagus in Beverly Hills, did you?)


While discussing our hilarious economic situation with this gathering of values voters, Obama said:

“This is not a reality show, no offense to any of you.” [Pause for laughter] “This is not a sitcom.”

But oh my God imagine if it was! I mean, the primaries were already kind of like “American Idol” anyway, right? With all the voting and everything?

But now I’m thinking we go “Survivor” style, put them all on an island off the coast of Burma or some junk and make them do silly physical challenges until a winner emerges. Plus: OMG, secret alliances! I never would’ve guessed Biden and McCain were working together!

Or we could do it like “The Littlest Groom” and see which one Joe Lieberman likes best, but I think you already know the answer.

As for sitcom ideas, I have three words for you: “My Two Presidents.” Through some electoral fluke, Obama and McCain, who are total opposites, have to run the country together! While sharing a tiny Upper East Side apartment! Hilarity shall then ensue!

Also, another thing Obama said at the Hollywood gala was that to win this, the Democrats need to “cut through the nonsense and the lipstick and the pigs” and good lord he wants to stab Sarah Palin!

This can only help the GOP

In these uncertain times, voters seek a sane voice in the wilderness to guide them, someone of experience and character whose profound, studied opinions serve as an exemplar for how rational thought should win out. And the people have found that voice of reason: Lindsay Lohan.

The actress (still? really?) bravely took to her MySpace blog, her generation’s New York Times Op-Ed page, because, as she puts it, “I really cannot bite my tongue anymore when it comes to Sarah Palin.” She goes on to give a measured, well-researched rebuke of Palin’s policies and… Sorry, I can’t even type that with a straight face.

Under the title "UH OH!" and with her mood listed as shocked (the emoticon for which is a beatific, placid smiley face—who knew?), foreign-policy expert Lohan goes on to call the VP candidate a “narrow-minded, media-obsessed homophobe” who is only qualified to be a news anchor. But she is careful to clarify: “I am not against Sarah Palin as a mother or woman.” Oh, well then. Big ups to you for being so noble.

At least Lindz gets around to discussing something she is an expert in: “Don't pose for anymore tabloid covers, you’re not a celebrity, you’re running for office to represent our, your, my COUNTRY!” Oh, snap and whatnot.

But of course, no Lindsay Lohan think-piece would be complete without a kicker from longtime companion Samantha Ronson, who urges the young folk to vote Obama since she can’t, as she isn’t a U.S. citizen: “If [Palin] gets elected my green card probably won’t get renewed!!!” Hey, Sam. Watch it with the exclamation points. You’re the one stealing jobs from perfectly capable American DJs.

Tragically delicious!

Racial insensitivity is now part of a balanced breakfast, apparently.

Someone with a mastery of subtle political humor put together boxes of this brand of waffle mix and sold them for $10 a pop at the Value Voters Forum. (That line-up of speakers... Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill Bennett, Stephen Baldwin... I just wouldn't know where to begin.)

The cover image really says everything you need to know about how not to draw a political cartoon, and brings to mind such classics of African-American empowerment as Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben. But what you can't see is the back, with Obama in a sombrero and a recipe for "Open Border Fiesta Waffles": "While waiting for these zesty treats to invade your home, why not learn a foreign language?"

Oh, and the top of the box has him in a suspiciously non-Christian headdress. Just to be clear: Is Barack Obama Muslin? (Hat-tip to Jessica.)

[Indecision 2008]

Rampant sexism running rampant

Oh dear. It's gotten this bad. So, most people know already that Tina Fey did a bang-up parody of Sarah Palin next to Amy Poehler's bang-up send-up of Hillary Clinton on "Saturday Night Live" over the weekend. And the response was generally positive, even from Palin herself, showing she may at least have a sense of humor, if not foreign policy experience.

BUT! We still need some Official Outrage® from someone, so out came the McCain campaign's Carly Fiorina to complain that Fey's portrayal was "sexist." Because it made fun of Palin. Because no one's ever made fun of a politician and said mean things about them on "SNL" before. Enjoy:

[Gawker]

Karl Rove knows from going too far

Hey, did you hear? The economy is tumbling at breakneck speed into a giant bowl of suck. If you want to take a second and check to make sure whichever bank you keep your money at is still in business, go ahead. We’ll wait.

OK, good. Now we can move on to more important matters, namely lying John McCain’s untruthful lies. Yesterday, the Obama campaign finally — finally — came out and called foul on the liberties the McCain campaign has taken with the truth. You know, like how Obama wants to teach kindergarteners how to have sex. Or that he called Sarah Palin a pig in lipstick, when even Palin herself will tell you she’s a pit bull in lipstick. Which is… better? We guess?

But the Obama camp was still late to the party, and as usual, a Republican beat them to the punch: On Sunday, Karl Rove, that bastion of decency and even-handed campaigning, said this on “Fox News Sunday”: “McCain has gone in his ads one step too far, and sort of attributing to Obama things that are, you know, beyond the 100-percent-truth test.”

Yes, that Karl Rove. Can we just say, Sen. McCain, you need to stop and examine what you’re doing. When Karl freaking Rove is cautioning restraint, maybe, just maybe, you’ve crossed a line or two. Maybe. It’s worth looking into.

Now that Rove has gone and brought this up on his own, McCain’s adopted daughter would probably like to have a word with him. Just to chat.

[Huffington Post]

McCain finds a new way to go negative

On Friday, John McCain stopped by to have a chat with the ladies on “The View.” (Going on “Oprah” would’ve just been awkward.) McCain even brought Cindy along, since it’s a show for the womenfolk and all, and God knows McCain doesn’t know the first thing about knitting.

This visit to the Barbara Walters House of Vapid was the perfect opportunity to see what windbags on the left (Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar) and the right (Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Sherri Shephard) think of his campaign so far. Ladies, back him up here.

And the consensus? Apparently he shouldn’t lie so much.

While Gramps was going on and on about how awesome Sarah Palin is (why didn’t she get to come on the lady show, Mac?), he brought out the whole “reformer against pork and earmarks” thing again. But Walters had done her homework, noting that Palin had requested earmarks as governor of Alaska. McCain’s response? “No, not as governor she didn’t.” Except she did, but whatever. Let’s not interrupt Grandpa while he’s in the middle of one of his anecdotes.

Then there are those negative ads about Obama, which Behar asked him about by calling them “lies.” Your move, John: “Actually they are not lies.” Well, OK.

We must say, this new McCain tactic is great. We can’t wait until the debates, when Obama gets finished with a pitch for his economic plan or what to do about Iraq, and McCain’s rebuttal is all, “No.” So much more efficient!

Throughout the whole “View” sit-down, by the way, Hasselbeck didn’t say much, as she was too busy staring wide-eyed at Cindy and mouthing the words “Teach me.”

[Radar, Wonkette]

You deserve a break

On Fridays, I stop all this political nonsense and get back to the tough task of mocking the celebrity industrial complex in my weekly column, the Word, available on my other site.

To entice you, here's this week's entry:

She can save money by Djing her own wedding!
Supposedly, wedding bells are ringing around Hollywood because Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are going to tie the knot. It doesn’t matter that they’re not even officially an item yet. Earlier this week, Ronson stopped the music during one of her DJ gigs at the Chateau Marmont to proclaim, “By the end of this year, my love will be Mrs. Ronson.” Does that sound more like a threat than an announcement to anyone else?

She went on to add, “Tonight shows the power of a woman. To underestimate that is to underestimate the world,” which kinda sounds like an endorsement for Hillary Clinton, only a few months too late. Or maybe Sam’s a Sarah Palin gal.

But end of the year? Really? Why the rush, Sam? Maybe it’s because of all those baby rumors. Yes, baby rumors. Britain’s News of the World originally reported that the young ladies wanted to make their duo a power trio, though Lohan’s reps quickly denied it. But now Star magazine has sources to quote, so it’s totally going to happen.

Says their source: “Lindsay told Sam that she’s been feeling more and more maternal in the past few months and she wants to get pregnant.” Of course, with a mother like Dina Lohan, who knows what Lindsay thinks “maternal” means.

The birds, the bees and Mommy’s home video
Speaking of children, Pam Anderson has had to undertake the sensitive subject of explaining her infamous sex tape with former/current/former/current beau Tommy Lee to the two sons she had with Lee. The boys are 10 and 12 years old.

She had to know this day was coming. Heck, we all did, but we didn’t think it would come before the kids hit bar mitzvah age. So why did the big day come so early? Why don’t we ask Pam. “They really wanted to see ‘Borat,’ and I finally had a breakdown and let them because all their friends had,” Anderson told reporters.

In the movie, Sacha Baron Cohen’s character, obsessed with Anderson, sees the famous footage of Pam and Tommy doing some interesting things on their honeymoon in 1995. “I explained to them… ‘Mom and daddy run about naked all the time, and we taped some things... and someone stole the tape,’” Anderson said. Ah, yes. It’s a conversation every parent knows all too well. We applaud Pam for handling it with such sensitivity and maturity. No, seriously. She’s a champ. What would you do?

Of course, we’re hoping the older of her sons isn’t too good at math, because once he puts two and two together… ew.

Constant updates

A friend passed this along to me, and I'm posting it as a public service:

Has the Large Hadron Collider destroyed the world yet?

Keep checking it for updates in case you have any doubt.

What was that about inquiring minds?

Yesterday, we had a bit of fun with Meghan McCain, but there’s plenty of kid love to go around on the GOP ticket. Take vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin’s son Track. In a matter of complete coincidence, he’s deploying to Iraq today. (You might not’ve heard. The family doesn’t like to discuss it much.)

Just in time for Track’s Heroic® departure, the National Enquirer is giving him the full press treatment. And as John Edwards knows, you’re nobody in this country until the National Enquirer is writing about you.

So what’s the rumpus? Well, apparently before joining up, young Track was a bit of a terror in Wasilla, Alaska — a car rim-stealing, hard-partying, OxyContin-snorting terror. Allegedly.

Some of the choicer quotes from Track’s coyly anonymous high school friends include “I’ve seen him snort cocaine, snort and smoke OxyContin, drink booze and smoke weed” and “Track was a master at playing people and paying them to get drugs, alcohol, steal car rims, Xbox games, you name it.”

Now, we’re not sure how to feel about this. On the one hand, the National Enquirer was right about the whole Edwards thing, making the mainstream media look foolish for ignoring it because it was in, well, the National Enquirer. On the other hand, they reported in April that Elizabeth Taylor totally OD’d on booze and pills, so… We’re gonna wait for the Sun’s latest Nostradamus prediction before we make up our minds.

[Gawker, Radar]

Kids say the darndest things

The nice thing about families is that they share, like how the Kennedys each get a chance to trash their storied legacy. John McCain, as everyone knows, is unparalleled when it comes to gaffes, but that doesn’t mean he won’t let his kids have a shot now and then.

Take official campaign poster kid Meghan McCain. The 23-year-old blogger is already misspeaking at a Jenna Bush level. Yesterday, she stopped by the “Today” show to plug her knew children’s book, “My Dad, John McCain,” which transforms the senator’s years being tortured as a POW into a lovely bedtime read for tots. (We’re starting to think Meghan didn’t really get the whole “appealing to young voters” thing at the strategy meeting).

While defending her dad and his campaign and, like, the totally awesome things he’ll do for the country or whatever, Meghan unfurled this masterpiece: “My father is obviously a famous war hero. No one knows what war is like other than my family. Period.”



You hear that, military families? Iraq war veterans? Quit your whining. You couldn’t possibly understand war the way Meghan McCain does. Which is why, once her father is elected, she’s totes going to be chairwoman of the joint chiefs and stuff.

But hey, at least she’s not 17 and pregnant. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Who does No. 2 work for?

No one’s really sure what the vice president actually does, but we do know this: The real work comes during the election. The VP picks were selected for very specific purposes, so let’s see how they’re doing. It’s early, of course, but rushing to judgment is what we do best.

A lot of folks have been complaining that Sarah Palin was a cynical pick, chosen solely because she has ovaries and isn’t 72. And there have been complaints about the campaign keeping her from the press. But don’t let her coy interview-dodging fool you. Palin was tapped for one reason: The huge amount of attention she generates gives John McCain the largest possible nap break. Seriously, have you seen him this week? Of course not. He’s sleeping.

And while all Palin has to do is keep people distracted while Gramps rests up, Joe Biden faces a much tougher challenge: convincing people Barack Obama is not an al-Qaida plant who will blow up the White House as soon as he’s in it. And apparently he’s doing a pretty bad job. Last week, Biden chatted up an 89-year-old woman in Philadelphia, leaving her with a peck on the forehead. But his charms didn’t take. Said the woman: “I told him I’m not going to vote for him.” And why is that? Well, she explained, it’s because Obama “pretends to be a Christian, and he isn’t. He’s a Muslim.”

Come on, Joe. Stop slacking. All you have to do is convince people there won’t be a White House Ramadan party, and you can relax for the next four years.

Screw politics, just watch TV

Americans faced with a difficult task: deciding the next president based almost exclusively on whim, superficial criteria and a complex equation political scientists call the eeny meeny miny moe theorum.

I can sense your eyes glazing over, so let’s just talk about television instead. Which show do you like better: Miami Vice or Father Dowling Mysteries?

The parallels are striking. On Miami Vice, Tubbs, much like Barack Obama, was raised by a single mother, and, like Crockett, Joe Biden lives on a boat. Much like John McCain, Father Dowling spent several years in a Cambodian prison camp. And Sarah Palin is from Alaska, which is kind of like being a nun.

But maybe those shows are before your time. (Hello, youth vote!) Or maybe you like them both so much, you couldn’t possibly choose. Then try this one: Which do you prefer, law or order? Specifically, when you watch Law & Order reruns from the 1999-2000 season on TNT, which half of the show do you enjoy more? The Law part, with the young go-getter black detective with something to prove and his veteran partner who always has an off-color joke at the ready? Or the Order part, with its grizzled old coot and the attractive young woman he keeps around to tell him where his keys are?

So really, the question isn’t are you voting Republican or Democrat, but why aren’t you voting for TV?