This can only help the GOP

In these uncertain times, voters seek a sane voice in the wilderness to guide them, someone of experience and character whose profound, studied opinions serve as an exemplar for how rational thought should win out. And the people have found that voice of reason: Lindsay Lohan.

The actress (still? really?) bravely took to her MySpace blog, her generation’s New York Times Op-Ed page, because, as she puts it, “I really cannot bite my tongue anymore when it comes to Sarah Palin.” She goes on to give a measured, well-researched rebuke of Palin’s policies and… Sorry, I can’t even type that with a straight face.

Under the title "UH OH!" and with her mood listed as shocked (the emoticon for which is a beatific, placid smiley face—who knew?), foreign-policy expert Lohan goes on to call the VP candidate a “narrow-minded, media-obsessed homophobe” who is only qualified to be a news anchor. But she is careful to clarify: “I am not against Sarah Palin as a mother or woman.” Oh, well then. Big ups to you for being so noble.

At least Lindz gets around to discussing something she is an expert in: “Don't pose for anymore tabloid covers, you’re not a celebrity, you’re running for office to represent our, your, my COUNTRY!” Oh, snap and whatnot.

But of course, no Lindsay Lohan think-piece would be complete without a kicker from longtime companion Samantha Ronson, who urges the young folk to vote Obama since she can’t, as she isn’t a U.S. citizen: “If [Palin] gets elected my green card probably won’t get renewed!!!” Hey, Sam. Watch it with the exclamation points. You’re the one stealing jobs from perfectly capable American DJs.