THE WORD: Misty, water-colored memories...

As the dust settles on the devastating breakup of Paris Hilton and chubby Good Charlotte twin Benji Madden, we as a grieving nation need to take a break from the rampant recriminations — he cheated! Allegedly! — and speculation — Prince William stole her heart! OK, not likely! — and try to remember the good times, the glorious highs of this nine-month storybook romance that took an emotionally scarred America and taught it that it was OK to love again. So, in the interest of healing, we bring you the Word’s mixtape of Paris/Benji lovin’. Try and get some sleep, America.


• Back in April, the press was in a tizzy over the couple making it to their second mensiversary — or two-month anniversary to the philistines at People magazine. And no one was more surprised than Paris herself: “He makes me feel really happy, comfortable and really in love,” she told People.com.

• By September, the couple was still going strong, even with the press trying to pull them apart with rumors of Paris canoodling with MySpace CEO Chris DeWolfe. But would it work? Of course not. “We’re really, really happy. In fact, we just celebrated our six-month anniversary,” Paris told E! News. And while she obviously hadn’t been studying her Latin, she had been dabbling in arts & crafts projects, making “a card plastered with pictures of us in happy, gushy couple poses.” Aw, just like any other middle school couple going steady.

• Last month, Paris celebrated her and Benji’s eighth mensiversary in the traditional way: phoning in to Ryan Seacrest’s radio show from London to denounce rumors she’d been getting flirty with Prince William and Prince Harry and to — wait for it — talk about how much she loves Benji. Benji celebrated the same occasion in L.A. by telling Fame News: “I am madly in love with the most beautiful woman in the world.” So really, that should’ve been Paris’ first sign that there might be someone else in the picture.

• Not ones to miss out on the love train, Paris’ parents, Kathy and Rick Hilton, even got in on the action. “He’s changed her life, and I really think she’s genuinely in love for the first time,” Kathy said, while Rick praised Benji’s gluten-free ways: “We love him like family already. Benji doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke and is a healthy vegan!” And even though the gabby ’rents gave those gushing quotes back in April, that last bit got the folks at Ecorazzi.com so excited, they just had to post it — this past Wednesday, the day the breakup was announced. Bummer, man.

The Word: Step into Lindsay's Wayback Machine

Oh, that Lindsay Lohan, always boldly stepping out with new trends. This time, the former “Ugly Betty” guest star and Samantha Ronson arm candy is trotting out some expired terminology while showing her support for Barack Obama.

While doing a post-election wrap-up over at the “Access Hollywood” election center, Lindsay said, “It’s an amazing feeling. It’s our first colored president.”

Hold up, “colored”? For serious? Lindsay, is that how good Long Island girls are raised to talk? I didn’t think so. Stop trying to make outmoded racist terms happen. Dina would be so ashamed if she were capable of shame.

Lindsay finished up her chat with “Access Hollywood” by expressing her hope that “Ugly Betty” co-star America Ferrera would some day achieve U.S. citizenship, then asked a staffer why there was only one water fountain in the hallway.


What is wrong with you people?
Jennifer Aniston has some choice words for the — ahem — gossip-reading public in the new issue of Vogue: “People need to mind their own business.”

So true, girlfriend. She’s speaking, of course, about her on-again off-again relationship with John Mayer. It’s just so unfair that people won’t stop asking her about it. Can’t they all find something more productive to do? It’s not that important.

And Aniston backs this point up by... going on and on and on about the relationship. We mean it, serious overshare alert. First there’s the brief breakup earlier this year: “He had to put that out there that he broke up with me. And especially because it’s me. It’s not just some girl he’s dating.”

Then there’s the state of the relationship as a whole: “It’s funny when you hit a place in a relationship and you both realize that we maybe need to do something else, but you still really, really love each other.” Sheesh. What is wrong with Jennifer Aniston? Can’t she just mind her own business and leave Jennifer Aniston alone?

Something’s different about you
Lance Bass claims that his cosmonaut training for this aborted space vacation a few years back left him two inches shorter. He told Jay Leno: “I got shorter. I did! I don’t know what happened. Everyone said, ‘You’re much shorter,’ so I measured myself and ... yeah.”

Are you sure, Lance? Or is it just that the *NSYNC management team was lying to everyone about their height to make Justin Timberlake believe he was taller? Either way, thanks for all the easy “measured myself” and “lost two inches” jokes. You’re the best!

There's got to be a morning after

Good morning, everybody. And isn't it a hopeful morning? No jokes here today. Instead I just wanted to point out how overjoyed I am with the results of the presidential election last night. And it was the first time in my life that I voted for the winner. That feels weird. But good weird. Anyway, awesomeness.

But it looks to be a bit bittersweet for me, as the final numbers come in for Proposition 8 in California. It's so very, bitterly, ulcer-inducingly close. Within 400,000 votes right now. I'm trying to stay hopeful, since that's what Barack would do. But I noticed one thing: Los Angeles County, where I will be residing starting tomorrow, voted narrowly (20,000 votes) to approve of Proposition 8. What the fuck? That's some welcome.

Well, either we'll come out winners by the skin of our teeth, or I won't have to put up with those "So, you gettin' hitched?" questions. So there's a bright side to everything.

Final thoughts

It’s been quite a ride to today, the great big election that will decide the future of our country — at least until President Bush declares marshal law, because you totally know he will. Don’t test him. Anyway, I’d like to think we’ve all learned something about ourselves during the past few months. But that’s probably asking for too much.

So hopefully by this time tomorrow we’ll have some idea of what’s next for us. Well, for you, at least. After covering the election beat for the past two months, I’ve seen some pretty frightening stuff. Lies, slander, threats of total Armageddon. And that was just my fan mail. They say high-pressure situations reveal a person’s true character, and if that’s true, the America people’s true character scares the bejeezus out of me. Because this high-pressure situation? Didn’t go so well.

So, thanks. It’s been wonderful and enlightening and maybe a little fattening, but whatever the outcome tomorrow, I’m moving to Mexico. At least they wear their political corruption on their sleeves. Plus, on a columnists salary, I can live like a king. Laters!

I want to get out the vote like an animal

Hey there, race fans. Checking in from beautiful downtown Joplin, Missouri, to let you know that Trent Reznor himself sent out an e-mail to Nine Inch Nails fans today, the eve of the election, to implore them to exercise their rights to vote. (Don't ask me how I know when Trent Reznor sends e-mails to Nine Inch Nails fans.)

The only problem? His missive opens: "Next Tuesday we will elect the next President of the United States." WTF? Is Trent trying to thwart the frustrated barista with a nosering vote? I call fraud.

Abandon ship!

Have you seen John McCain lately? At his rallies and public appearances and such? You can see it in his eyes. He’s tired, he’s disappointed — this isn’t how it was supposed to be. Even his finger quotes are phoning it in. He’s just not feeling it anymore.

And he’s not the only one. At a rally in Florida Saturday, Sarah Palin played to a crowd sporting plenty of pro Palin signs — with nary a mention of McCain in sight. Seems much of the party faithful have written off ’08 as a loss and have started hitching their wagons to Palin for a younger, stronger, folksier 2012 run for the White House. And lo, a hockey mom shall lead them. Just not right now, OK?

Even McCain’s dear populist prop, Joe the Plumber, isn’t returning his calls. At a stop last week, John tried to give Joe a shout-out, but Joe was a no-show. I guess Joe’s got bigger things to worry about now, like what kind of point spread his agent can get him in an album/tour combo deal with Live Nation.



Don't forget to remember to vote!

Day one complete

Landed safely in Columbus, Ohio, home of the Keatons and some college that has some sort of football team or something. Made it out of New York, through New Jersey and Pennsylvania and into Ohio. More to come, including maybe some videos that will be entertaining to exactly no one. Ohio!