Good housekeeping

With the election coming up so very, very soon, I figured it's time to get out and see the country, meet some citizens of the Real America before I make fun of them too much. I want my jokes to be accurate, obviously.

So starting Sunday, I'll be writing from the road, keeping all three of you (hi, Mom!) updated on how nutty it's getting out there. There may even be video, if I can ever figure that crap out. And anyone who wants to join me for a big Election Night party in Tucamcari, New Mexico, well let's get it on!

Meanwhile, it's Friday. And even on a national holiday like Halloween, I do not rest in my duty of mocking the celebrities that will soon be my neighbors. So here's the latest edition of The Word, complete with spooky tales of Paris Hilton's dating life, Daniel Craig's inadequacies and Britney Spears' power of attorney. Be afraid!

While you read that, I've got more crap to pack. Toodles.

Get behind me, Senator Satan

It wouldn’t be an election season without the religious nuts weighing in. And weigh in they have! Really stepping it up now is Focus on the Family Action, which is a lot sexier than regular old Focus on the Family. They want you to know that if Barack Obama is elected president, America will descend into a fiery hell-spiral, hastening the end of the world as we know it. Fun!

The group’s latest love-in, “Letter from 2012 in Obama’s America,” claims that a Democratic victory next week will inevitably lead to terrorist strikes on four American cities, Russia rolling into Eastern Europe, Israel getting hit by a nuclear bomb, Americans only being allowed to get gay-married, and the end of the Boy Scouts. But, you know, they don’t want to get dramatic or anything. Just saying.

Also getting in on the fun? Charisma magazine publisher Steve Strang, who wrote an e-mail to his readers called “Life as we know it will end if Obama is elected.” Real subtle, Steve.

But I thought the Religious Right wanted the whole Armageddon scenario. Isn’t that why they made George W. Bush president twice? To hasten the End Times? I’m so confused.

[Associated Press]

Sticking to the standards

It’s been a long, long election season. And now that we’re into the final week before the bitter recount starts, we find out that the big October surprise we’ve all been waiting for? Is that there is no surprise. Surprise!

The problem is that after such a protracted primary season in which the Clinton campaign already trotted out every possible thing you could hold against Barack Obama, there's nothing new left for McCain to attack him with. We’ve already heard the hits, like “Friend of Bill Ayers” and “Barack’s an Elitist” and “Secret Muslim.” They’re old news. But that hasn’t stopped the GOP from hitting “repeat all” on its stereo.

Why, yesterday at a rally in Hershey, Pa., while hating on Obama’s energy policies, McCain actually said, “He says he wants to blah blah blah.” You see? Even McCain is tired of it. Tired of even saying it!

And the latest retread? An RNC/McCain radio ad in Montana featuring Hank Williams Jr. (by far the least talented of the the three Hank Williamses) blasting Obama over the whole “bitter people clinging to guns and religion” thing. Maybe next week they can run an ad with Sarah Palin blasting Roseanne Barr for doing such a bad rendition of the National Anthem at that Padres game.

Must be some kind of record

With just a week left until the election and magazines across the country already celebrating Barack Obama’s victory, I though you could use a break. So how about something that has nothing to do with the presidential election. Would you like that? Sure, we all would.

Ralph Nader claims that over the weekend he set the record for the most campaign speeches given in a single day by delivering somewhere around 255 minutes of speeches in 21 locations in Massachusetts Saturday. Jeebus, 255 minutes of Nader’s droning voice — can you imagine? Thank god President Bush legalized torture, or Ralph could be in some serious trouble.

Now, to qualify for the Guinness Book of World Records, he needed to give at least 150 minutes of speeches, with each speech lasting at least 10 minutes, to at least 10 people who didn’t come with Nader. That last bit might’ve been a bit sticky for old Ralph, but his campaign says he pulled it off. Maybe his staffers wore a comical series of hats and disguises to each event.

But the important thing is we’ve found a way to keep Ralph distracted while the rest of us get on with electing a president. And it seems to be working. Watch out next weekend, when he sees how far he can pull a biodiesel-modified 1978 Mercedes with his teeth. As long as it’s not in a swing state!

[Yahoo! News]

What a difference a day makes

Not to beat a story into the ground and carve a "B" into its cheek, but you know what I love the most about the Ashley Todd story? It wasn't the description of her mystery attacker as a 6-foot-4 African-American man (OMG! Just like Barack Obama! Connect the dots, people!), and it wasn't the Halloween makeup job or the over-sharing Twitter posts.

No, it was the fact that some people just went for the story whole-hog. I'm not saying the benefit of the doubt is a bad thing, but was this really the best time for John McCain to finally respond to something in a timely manner? He and Sarah Palin were quick to call Todd and wish her well.

And then there were my dear friends at FreeRepublic.com, who knew right away what an attack like this means: “This will wake up America on what we will be getting if we get an Obama administration,” posted “truthandlife.” And then “Peterthegreat14” had to go nuclear with “Liberals are hate-mongers and I see Hitler’s head rising!!”

So how did they respond when news broke that it was a hoax? “She must work for the Obama campaign,” posted “LottieDah.” Of course! It's so obvious! Connect the dots, people.

SUNDAY BONUS: You've got something on your cheek

You may or may not’ve heard, but late last week, a young McCain volunteer in Pittsburgh named Ashley Todd claimed she was mugged outside an ATM by a black man who then scratched a “B” into her cheek because she is a McCain supporter. Only the “B” was backward and the black eye she sported looked a little… community theater-ish.

And also? The attack never happened. Within 24 hours, it went from the top story on the Drudge Report and Republicans commenters calling for Obama to be arrested for assaulting her to Ms. Todd being arrested for filing a false police report. “This has wasted so much time…. It’s just a lot of wasted man hours,” Assistant Police Chief Maurita Bryant said at a briefing. Couldn’t agree more.

Just think how John McCain must feel. Not only was this whole stunt pulled in some lame sophomore attempt to swing Pennsylvania in his favor by appealing to residents’ common racism, but Senator John even called her in the hospital to wish her well. So did Sarah Palin! If only they’d waited a day. (Barack Obama, of course, was off visiting his sick grandma, who would never pull this sort of stunt.) Question, though: Can you really be that October-surprised if the facial wounds are self-inflicted?

But surely some good can come of all this. Hey, wouldn’t you know it? It’s almost Halloween! And you were totally looking for a politically themed costume that wasn’t Sarah Palin, right? I feel you. But just look at the rich bounty young Ashley has bestowed upon you. All you need is some makeup for the black eye and the “B,” and an ATM card. Then keep pointing at a spot where no one’s standing and scream about seeing your attacker.

Of course, if you’re not in the dress-up mood — or if you already finished your Michele Bachmann costume — you could always make an Ashley Todd-o-lantern. Just carve yourself a regular jack-o-lantern, then add a backward “B” to the cheek and voilà! It’s a good thing.

Friday fun time

Time for my weekly escape from the world of base political speculation and negative-campaigning to a much kinder, simpler world: Hollywood. My latest edition of The Word is up, ready to be enjoyed and then discarded. Because I'm worth it.

Here's a taste of what's in store in the second item if you manage to make it past the big photo of a half-naked Zac Efron:

Leaving so soon?
In what can only be seen as a lack of confidence in Barack Obama’s ability to clinch the election, Halle Berry has actually done what many Hollywooders have only threatened to do before: She’s purchased property in Canada. Maybe she knows something the rest of us don’t. Maybe John McCain really does have something up his sleeve that will decimate Obama’s candidacy over the next two weeks. If not even Halle Berry, who withstood filming and promoting “Catwoman” can stomach a McCain presidency, what hope do the rest of us have? KEEP READING

Otherwise, have a lovely weekend visiting your sick grandmother.

[NedEhrbar.com]

Suspicious minds

Hey, have you heard? Barack Obama is suspending his campaign today to fly to Hawaii and visit his ailing grandmother, Madelyn Dunham. He’s scheduled to return to the mainland Friday night, giving Joe Biden roughly 36 hours to stick as many feet in his mouth as he can find.

Obama’s granny, who is 85 and reported to be gravely ill, played a huge part in raising him and is pretty much the only family he has left, so obviously this whole turn of events is suspect. Let the conspiracy theories rip, anonymous Internet message boards!

The most popular hypothesis has been trumpeted over at the even-tempered salon that is FreeRepublic.com, and it goes a little something like this: See, there’ve been rumors floating around for a while about where Barack was born, and…. You know what? I’ll let Free Republic commenter "realcleanguy" explain:

“He has no birth certificate. And his grandmother will mysteriously die while he is there. You know she holds secrets that cannot be revealed.”

Classy! And how does "nufsed" know for sure that Barack is on a granny-smothering mission? “Innocent people do not act this way.” Well then I guess it’s settled.

[The Independent]

UPDATE: Apparently, I can't read, and the quotes were attributed to the wrong Free Republic commenters. So, that's fixed now.

Obama endorse-athon round-up

It’s time to play my favorite game, Who’s Supporting Barack Obama Now. This week, we have a whole slew of influential folks that'll make you say, "Colin Powell who?" Buckle up!

First up: kids. Totally not ripping off the Scholastic News poll from last week, Nickelodeon conducted its own survey of over 2 million kids, asking who should win the election. Barack took it with 51% of the vote. McCain’s loss is being attributed to the presence of third-party write-in candidates Drake and Josh. (Ask your niece.)

Now, kids are nice and all, but you know what endorsements Americans really respect? Europeans. Comb-averse London Mayor Boris Johnson has penned a piece in the Telegraph titled “Barack Obama: Why I believe he should be the next president.” Didn't anyone teach him about not making your thesis statement your title? Amatuer.

And across the Channel, a whopping 74 percent of Dutch citizens want an Obama win, making France’s 64 percent seem downright moderate. In countries across the globe, in fact, citizens prefer Obama to McCain by nearly 4 to 1, according to an extensive Gallup poll. Don’t let 89 percent of Kenyans down, America.

Google CEO Eric Schmidt, went and endorsed the senator from Illinois, ensuring that pressing the “I’m feeling lucky” button on the Google homepage will take you straight to the Obama/Biden 2008 site. And then on top of that, political bellweather Eminem has pledged his support for Barack. I bet McCain's totally regretting pulling out of Michigan now. No word on whether 50 Cent will fall in line, or will still not be registered to vote this time around.

Obama’s even winning over the hard-to-get religious merchandisers vote. Spotted at a street fair in San Francisco last week was a collection of votive candles illustrated with a beatific Barack in monk robes looking like some sort of Saint Senator of Assisi or something. Yea, and it was good. And there was much rejoicing. (Here’s hoping these candles catch on and will soon be available at a bodega near you. They’re so kitsch, yet so now! Zoinks!)

Overwhelming? Sure. But not even that massive combination of endorsements can spell doom for McCain. You know what can? This: A 75-pound bear cub was found shot to death at a North Carolina college. Draped over its adorably slaughtered head? Obama ’08 campaign signs. Must’ve been put off by McCain’s VP pick.

Kids, Eurotrash, Internet millionaires, white rappers and dead bears: all in the tank for Obama. Sheesh.

8 against 8

No jokes here. Just spreading the word about what some bloggers are doing to stand up to Propostion 8 in California. Even if I wasn't invited...

Huh? Lesbi-what-now? Oh, silly me. Still, help 'em out folks!

[Equality California]

Oh, boo frickin' hoo, Frasier

With all our attention pressed so firmly against the glass at the presidential candidates enclosure in this big old political zoo, it’s easy to forget sometimes that there’s a lot more going on. And some people are really hurting. But one underserved, marginalized minority has finally decided that enough is enough, that it’s time to speak out. That persecuted group? Hollywood conservatives.

Lord knows the life of a Hollywood conservative is a tough one, biting his tongue whenever Barbra Streisand says something, always the odd man out at studio softball games, buying a Prius purely because of peer pressure. Why, Kelsey Grammer even related an awful anecdote to the Hollywood Reporter about how, earlier in his career, his job was threatened by a prominent sitcom director who demanded he donate money to Barbara Boxer’s U.S. Senate campaign. To keep his job, he gave $10,000 to Boxer and the Democrats.

It’s gotten so bad, apparently, that right-leaning entertainers have started up secret societies with names like “SpeakEasy” and “The Sunday Night Club” just so they can get together and voice their views without the ever-looming fear of a stern glare from Sean Penn.

You know what? This can’t go on. We cannot truly call ourselves free until each and every one of our pampered, overpaid actors is free to rudely offer their unsolicited political opinion, no matter what party they happen to be associated with. So, my Hollywood conservative friends, come out of the closet. Your days of toil and degradation are over.

[The Hollywood Reporter]

'Real America' vs. all you losers

Remember back when John Edwards tried to make a big deal about the “two Americas”? Back before we found out that he meant the one where his wife lives and the one where his girlfriend lives? Well, another soon-to-be-former vice presidential candidate is up to the same super-helpful game, dividing our country neatly in two. While praising the good folks of battleground state North Carolina, Sarah Palin got a wee bit carried away with herself:

“We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hard working very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation.”

Which begs the question, which are the anti-America areas of America? Because man, those must be awkward places to live. You wake up, and the whole city’s like, “Man, we really hate… all of… this.” You know what would probably cheer up all those anti-America city-folk? A good secessionist platform, like the Alaskan Independence Party. Sure seems to keep Sarah Palin chipper.

Of course, once people started criticizing her remarks, Palin was quick to backtrack out of the whole patriotism angle, saying of noted city-dweller Barack Obama:

“I know Obama loves America. I’m sure that is why he’s running for president. It’s because he wants to do what he believes is in the best interest of this great nation.... I don’t question at all Barack Obama’s love for this great country.”

Don’t worry, Sarah. The GOP has other people to do that for you. Because right around the same time, Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn., was on “Hardball” explaining to Chris Matthews how liberals are anti-American. She even described Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid as a “troika.” Hilarious!




And what does she think of Obama? “I’m very concerned that he may have anti-American views.” Yes. The Democratic nominee for president. Way to elevate the level of discourse there, Michele. But at least you performed one truly amazing feat: You made Sarah Palin seem reasonable by comparison.

If you’ll excuse me, I have to go move to a small town so that I can be pro-America.

[L.A. Times]

It's Friday!

So you have two choices: You can head on over to NedEhrbar.com and read the latest Word, featuring Britney Spears, divorce rumors and frozen dinners.

Or you can take a horrific glimpse into our possible future: Sarah Palin as president.

Look! Up in the sky! It's a Barack! It's a McCain!

Last week, a new pair of dueling comic book heroes hit the shelves: John McCain and Barack Obama, each standing proud, drawn against an American flag background

Was this just a petty attempt by the candidates to score some of that sweet toy-collecting manchild vote? Because it’s a lot more efficient than going from parents’ basement to parents’ basement canvassing. But it would’ve been even more effective to just leak to message boards that Obama is the fifth cylon or that McCain is a Skrull.

But no, this apparently had nothing to do with either campaign. The 28-page comic books depicting the bios of the two candidates were produced independently by publisher IDW to cash in on this here election thingy, because I guess it’s hot right now.

IDW’s Scott Dunbier is hoping to appeal to more than just X-Men fans and cultural train-wreck enthusiasts. “I think that people who normally don’t go to comic shops are really going to be part of the audience that pick this up,” he told Reuters. That’s assuming, of course, those people go to comic shops to pick it up. Which they normally don’t do. Your logic is… flawed, Scott.

And while the books try to strike a neutral, just-the-facts tone, one candidate’s story lends itself a little more easily to the medium than the other: While Obama’s childhood in Hawaii is cute and all, the McCain issue opens with him slumped over in a Hanoi prison cell in 1969. Written over that image? “Navy pilot John Sidney McCain III is in pain.” Drama!

But it all evens out, since the cover illustration of McCain proves just how perfect he’d be as a Batman villain. Like, I don’t know, the Jowler or something.

[The Telegraph]

Choosy kids choose Obama

It's all over, folks. You can all go home. Barack Obama has been selected the next president of the United States. At least, according 250,000 kids.

As you know, I believe the children are our future. We should give them the right to vote and let them lead the way. And they have spoken thusly: Barack Obama won the Scholastic Presidential Election Poll with 57 percent of the vote, to 39 percent for John McCain.

You may be saying to yourself, "So what? Shouldn't these brats be busy working to pay for my retirement?" And you'd be right. But the Poll is a tradition. And more than a little prophetic. According to the self-promoting folks at Scholastic News Online:

"Since 1940, the results of the student vote have mirrored the outcome of the general election all but twice: In 1948, kids voted for Thomas E. Dewey over Harry S. Truman. In 1960, more students voted for Richard M. Nixon than for John F. Kennedy."

Man, the kids in America are totally in the tank for Obama. Talk about bias.

Also of note: Four percent of the vote went to write-in candidates, including Stephen Colbert, Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. But three guys can't share the office of president, even if they are totally dreamy with flat-ironed hair. But the candidate who got the most write-in votes? Hillary Clinton. Give it up, kids!

[Scholastic News Online]

All good things must end

Get out the Jägermeister and the kettle corn, because tonight’s the series finale of the hottest new show of 2008: The Presidential Debates. We’ve had some ups and downs over the abbreviated season, like in early October when they switched focus to the supporting cast for an episode—a trick they totally a ripped off from “Star Trek: The Next Generation,” by the way—but tonight the focus is back where it should be: the grizzled vet who’s two weeks from retirement and the smooth-talking rookie with something to prove.

Tonight, John McCain and Barack Obama are following in the footsteps of countless young Long Island women whose grades suffered because of too many Zima benders: They’re going to Hofstra University. But what can we expect when they face each other, refusing to make eye contact for possibly the last time? Will McCain once again wander the stage aimlessly when Obama speaks? Will Obama make his “listening politely” smile any less patronizing? Will special guest star Bob Schieffer be the surprise death the spoilers have been hinting at?

Let me tell you, I’ve seen an advance copy of the debate, and it will be amazing. I don’t want to ruin it for you. Just make sure you’re sitting down around 10:52 p.m., because…no, I can’t say anything. It’s too delicious. I don’t know how they’re going to top this for season two.

Fidel weighs in

In times like these, Americans look to individuals of influence for guidance. And there is no one more influential, more respected among American voters than Fidel Castro.

The former Cuban president weighed in recently on the big contest, seemingly throwing his support behind Barack Obama—probably because it’s the hip thing to do, and Fidel hates appearing out of touch with the young people. But Castro is worried. He fears there is a “profound racism” in the U.S. that will stop folks from voting for Obama: “Millions of whites cannot reconcile in their minds with the idea that a black man with his wife and children would move into the White House, which is called just like that—white.”

Jeez, man, why you gotta play the race card? Don’t you know that in America, if we just stop talking about racism, it goes away? But that wasn’t enough. No, he also had to stick his ailing foot in his mouth by saying it’s a “pure miracle” that Obama hasn’t been assassinated yet. Oh, Fidel. Have you learned nothing from Hillary Clinton’s mistakes? Also, since when do you believe in miracles?

Fidel, who is 10 years older than John McCain, also took some jabs at the McCain/Palin ticket. He said Sarah Palin “knew nothing at all about anything,” and that’s just sexist. He also called McCain “bellicose,” which as a rhetorical attack doesn’t really work since most Americans don’t know what “bellicose” means.

But Fidel has spoken. And the American people have responded, saying, “He’s still alive?”

[Sky News]

Guess what I learned on TV last night

So I've been out in Southern California for the last week—just like Don Draper!—and I've seen a heartwarmingly high number of signs about voting NO on Propostion 8. But then last night, during my beloved "Amazing Race," I saw my first ad in favor of Prop 8:




Yes. Be afraid, vaguely ethnic suburban moms of California. They're going to teach gay marriage in schools.

Seriously, this is ridiculous. At least on Nov. 5, if things don't go so well for America and California, I'll be close enough to Mexico to make a run for it. Reverse illegal immigration: the way of the future.

Who's the most divisive of them all?

While everyone’s been focusing all their attention on the McCain/Obama battle or whether Californians should be forced to gay marry, there’s been a much more important contest brewing in America: Who gets the honor of being the state that decides our next president.

It’s a vaunted and highly sought-after position, and any state, from tiny Rhode Island to barely inhabited Idaho, would be thrilled to take home the top prize. But being given the chance to outdo Florida’s punch-card fiesta or Ohio’s fraudapalooza is a huge responsibility. The winner has to have that certain something, that zesty combination of folksy charm and the complete inability to form a consensus.

So how are things shaping up in the battle of the battlegrounds,? Well, as decreed by CNN’s polling oracles, it’s down to five lovely and ambitious contenders: Indiana, New Hampshire, North Carolina, Wisconsin and, in a bid to set a new record, incumbent Ohio.

The Buckeye State’s stiffest competition comes from neighbor Indiana, mostly because the rest of the country can’t really tell them apart. North Carolina is putting up a good fight, having dominated the talent portion of the competition. And New Hampshire is just in it for the attention, since old Granite doesn’t really stand a chance.

So my money’s on Wisconsin. The state’s just harmless and friendly enough to pull off completely hamstringing the election for the rest of us. Plus, they have lots of cheese. And who doesn’t love cheese?

In ____ _____'s America

We're going to have a little fun today and do some good old fashioned speculation about life under President Obama or President McCain. Buckle in; this could get long and costly:

What would happen if Barack Obama became president...
• After long, costly and divisive recounts in North Carolina and New Hampshire, John McCain finally concedes to Barack Obama. The stock market surges with the news

• Upon his inauguration, Obama states once and for all that he is not in fact Muslim, disappointing Hamas leaders, who really regret throwing away their endorsement over what they saw as “coded phrases” during the campaign.

• Critics of Obama are soon vindicated, however, when the president appoints William Ayers, Rev. Jeremiah Wright and Oprah to cabinet-level positions, saying at a press conference simply: “Suckers.” The stock market tanks again.

• Joe Biden spends his first two months as vice president checking in at the Oval Office every day to see if there’s anything he can, only to be turned away, muttering under his breath about Scranton or broken kneecaps or something.

• All of President Obama’s attempts to alleviate the ever-worsening economic crisis come to naught, from the Great Additional Bailout of February ’09 to the Even Greater More Additionaler Bailout of March ’09.

• On April 3, 2009, China finally makes good on its promises to buy the U.S. outright and turn it into an amusement park.

• Shortly after being deposed by his new Chinese overlords, Barack Obama admits, finally, that he is in fact Muslim. Suckers.

What would happen if John McCain became president...
• After long, costly and divisive recounts in Wisconsin and New Hampshire, Barack Obama finally concedes to John McCain, insisting that it is time for our fractured nation to heal. Seven state Supreme Court justices resign in protest. The stock market disintegrates.

• While Chief Justice Roberts recites the presidential oath at the inauguration, McCain becomes flustered, throws up his hands and says, “If you think you can do it better, fine. I didn’t want the damn job anyway.” He then storms off the stage and locks himself in his nearby condo with every season of “Blossom” on DVD. When anyone tries to reason with him through the door, McCain simply turns up the volume.

• Sarah Palin does her best to fill the power vacuum, but she soon begins publicly criticizing herself for succumbing to Washington-style big government. She soon steps down under the pressure of her own accusations.

• Following presidential chain of command, Nancy Pelosi becomes president, but spends her first two weeks gloating, completely missing the economy’s last great freefall.

• Completely broke, the U.S. has no choice but to accept China’s offer to buy it outright.

• When his new Chinese overlords try to roust him from his bunker-like condo, a bleary-eyed John McCain attempts to declare war on the Chinese. He fails.

[Metro]

You're all on hope

This may be old news to folks in Philadelphia, but it’s worth sharing: Five people were arrested last week in a drug bust at a home in Wilkes-Barre, Pa. But what on earth, you may ask, does this have to do with the most important presidential election of the last four years? Well, during said raid, cops found 240 heroin packets stamped with an image of Barack Obama’s face and the words “Obama 09.”

I’ve heard of reaching out to disenfranchised voters before, but this is ridiculous! Ha! I mean, what does the Obama campaign think they’re…. What? Oh.

Apparently the heroin packets were not actual campaign materials sanctioned by Obama’s people. Also, the presidential election is apparently in 2008, not 2009. Silly drug dealers.

Frank Noonan, from the state Office of Attorney General, said, “I’ve never seen a stamp like that before.” But you know we all totally will again, because now that this idea is out there, dealers across the nation are going to be all over this. I’m telling you, McCain/Palin meth is gonna sell huge in the swing states. You can’t stop democracy!

As for the date discrepancy on the heroin packets, we’ll have to assume one of two things: Either heroin dealers in Wyoming Valley aren’t that on top of it when it comes to national politics, or the whole thing was a GOP-orchestrated trick to keep left-leaning junkies away from the polls next month. Sneaky!

[Times Leader]

Oldies but goodies

You know when you go see a band that you’ve loved for years, and they insist on only playing songs from their new album that nobody’s heard yet? And you’re all, Come on, dudes, just play some classics! Well, Sarah Palin feels you on that one.

That’s why, with just four weeks to go until the big lever pulling, she’s hauling out the greatest hits to get the crowds worked up. In a New York Times interview, the Alaska governor raised a fuss about Rev. Jeremiah Wright and William Ayers. Not wasting any time, that one.

And really, who cares if this Ayers connection was covered pretty much completely during the primaries? Doesn’t mean the fans wouldn’t go nuts for it again, this time with an extended guitar solo. And who cares if John McCain said talk of Rev. Wright was off limits after the story dominated the news for a couple weeks? That just makes her performance all the more special. I’m just hoping she follows it all up with a ripping encore of “Michelle Obama is Ashamed of America.” Not doing that one would be like Mountain not doing “Mississippi Queen.”

When asked about the new golden oldies tone of her campaigning, Palin said, “The high heels are on, the gloves are off.” So, you know, foxy boxing! Yay!

But the Obama campaign wasn’t about to let Palin steal all the greatest hits glory. Oh, no. Barack fired back at a campaign stop with a scorching rendition of “Keating 5, Keating 5, McCain Can’t Be Trusted.” Man, that one never gets old.

[My Way News]

A cut above

Have we already run out of things to say about the candidates? I guess so. Because the New York Post is now speculating that Joe Biden has had plastic surgery. And he maybe went into last week’s debate only after getting some shots of Botox.

They showed some pictures of Biden from 2005 and last week to the unfortunately named plastic surgeon Dr. Oleh Slupchynskyj, who is absolutely certain Barack Obama’s choice to appeal to working-class middle Americans has had some work done. While such speculation may put off those hard-scrabble Pennsylvanians Biden’s trying to reach, he’s totally locked up the aging socialite vote.

Biden spokesman David Wade refuted the claims, saying, “I don’t know how to say no firmly enough,” but really it’s sad he even had to comment on it at all.

Sarah Palin, meanwhile, is hard at work coming up with a folksy, aw-shucks way to reference Biden’s Botox binge on the campaign trail. You betcha.

Fun with flowcharts

You've most likely seen this floating around the Internets, but I love it so much I'm posting it here for your enjoyment:


Thanks to Jessica for tipping me off to it first. Now, back to that hangover of mine.

Enough already

While I sleep off the hangover I incurred from my VP debate drinking game (why, oh why did I make it a rule to drink every time Palin said "maverick"?), feel free to head over to NedEhrbar.com and check out the latest edition of The Word, my weekly mockery of the celebrity industrial complex.

Here's a handy lead-in to this week's to entice you (I'm crafty, I know):

A little help here

It’s not all rose petals and reenactments of Benetton ads over in the Jolie-Pitt household. According to Star magazine, Angelina Jolie is so bummed out after giving birth to twins this summer that Brad Pitt has sent her to therapy. Moody? Depressed? Maybe moving to Berlin wasn’t such a good idea after all... KEEP READING

[NedEhrbar.com]

Fight night!

It’s been an agonizing five weeks since the VP picks were announced, with voters anxiously awaiting tonight’s big showdown between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden. But the day is finally here, so fill your nacho hat, review your drinking game rules, and let’s get ready to rumble.

Let’s be honest. The presidential debates are kind of a wash. John McCain and Barack Obama have both been campaigning for so long that it’s unlikely we’ll learn anything new from their meets. Most viewers tune in just in case Obama accidentally praises Allah, or McCain flies into a PTSD-fueled rage and garrotes the moderator with his “veto pen.”

No, the real action is the VP ticket. Tonight’s match-up is our best chance to see some awesome missteps. It’s practically a vice presidential nominee’s solemn duty. And this time around, we have an embarrassment of foot-in-mouth riches. Joe Biden has made a career of saying inappropriate things, and his weeks on the campaign trail have been no different. He even said that FDR went on TV after the 1929 stock market crash. Genius! The man is a master.

But still it’s been an uphill battle. His missteps have been overshadowed at every turn by a younger, faster and just plain better gaffe machine. Biden is simply outclassed by Palin when it comes to making yourself look like an idiot. Just look at the attention she’s been getting. With barely any time on the national scene, Palin’s already fumbling at a James Stockdale level.

Tonight, we as a country can finally come together, putting our differences aside, and watch as a nation united as two titans do battle to see who can make a bigger ass of themselves. I’ve never been so proud.

'Bailout' is such an ugly word

There have been a lot of theories as to why the $700 billion bailout didn’t pass. Nancy Pelosi poisoned the well with a pre-vote speech, House Republicans had their delicate sensibilities offended, some congressmen were more concerned with getting re-elected. But John McCain knows the real reason is just bad branding.

Crankypants went on CNN’s “American Morning” yesterday to discuss his new plan for saving the economy, since last week’s plan didn’t go so well, you could say. As with most “plans” unveiled by McCain or Obama this season, the details mostly consisted of “I have a plan.” He did leak one major spoiler, thought, and it’s that if we’re going to fix this economy once and for all, we’re going to have to start by arguing us some semantics:

“The first thing I’d do is say, let’s not call it a bailout,” McCain said. “Let’s call it a rescue because it is a rescue.” He’s so right! The only problem with the old plan was the word we were using to describe it. See? Everything’s fixed!

Obama’s camp, naturally, countered that their plan for a $700 billion fluffy bunny party was much better for Main Street.

[Politico]