Again with the Muslim thing

Remember all those rumors that Barack Obama is a secret Muslim? Because they’re still here. But maybe speculation about his closet Quranophilia and love of headdresses isn’t enough. Maybe you need something a little... saucier. How about this: Obama is actually the Antichrist.

That chestnut has been working its way through Al Gore’s series of tubes for about six months, but only recently did it hit the inbox of Fort Mill, S.C., Mayor Danny Funderburk. Danny Boy, also chairman of the National Conference of Mayors with Silly Names, found the e-mail intriguing. It pointed out that the Book of Revelations says the antichrist will be in his 40s and of Muslim ancestry—just like Barack!

Only not. Because — for the 500th time, people — Barack. Obama. Is. Not. Muslim. Also, the Book of Revelations says no such thing, but whatever. It was enough to intrigue Mayor Fuddrucker. In an interview with the Charlotte Observer, he said he was “just curious if there was any validity to it. I was trying to get documentation if there was any scripture to back it up.”

To do that, he followed a favored research method of library scientists everywhere: He forwarded it on to a bunch of people with no comment and no subject line. That’s what I call getting answers! So has he gotten any? Does he think Obama is the Antichrist? “I’ve got absolutely no way of knowing that,” Mayor Fiddlesticks said. Which isn’t a no, is all I’m saying.

[Wonkette]

It's OK to look

Debate season got off to a promising enough start Friday night when John McCain actually showed up. So that means the economy’s all fixed, right? Awesome. Guess I can go ahead and buy that gold-plated speedboat, then.

But Lehrer wouldn’t let it go, and totally went out of his way to make it OK for the candidates to discuss the economy even though they were only supposed to be proving who was better at pronouncing “Ahmadinejad.” What’s up with that, Jim? Can’t you stay on topic. God, PBS is so ADD sometimes.

So then Obama and McCain were all blah blah blah “I’m gonna fix things, “No, I am,” “Surge good,” “Surge bad,” “Tax cuts,” “Kittens” and so forth, but I was too distracted by Lehrer asking the candidates to address each other directly, make eye contact and just kiss already!

OK, Jim, baby, we appreciate your die-hard romantic spirit, but stop trying to make McBama happen. The beady-eyed match-making is just awkward for us watching at home. Some couples just aren’t meant to be, like John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston, or Larry Craig and ladyfolk.

But McCain refused entertain Lehrer’s eHarmony ploys—the senator couldn’t even look Obama in the eye. Which makes sense, since McCain’s heart already belongs to Sarah Palin. Because once you go poorly vetted cynical political stunt, you never go back.

You deserve a break today

It's Friday, which means it's time to suspend this blog while I go fix the national economy. Country first!

In the mean time, there's always my other column, the Word, where I make fun of celebrities and celebrity culture in an oh-so-charming way. Here's a taste of today's edition:

Oh, don't act so surprised
British PR flacks are feigning outrage because Amy Winehouse, that pillar or moderation and class, has reportedly ruined some dresses sent to her on loan in the run-up to London Fashion Week.

Apparently, the naïve folks over at Harvey Nichols loaned dear, sweet Amy $50,000 worth of silk and satin dresses. Amy put on the nicest one and hit the town, and eventually did what she does best: vomit. KEEP READING

You don't mess with the Letterman

For those who missed it, David Letterman's reactions to John McCain canceling an appearance because he had to fly back to D.C. to single-handedly save the economy:

Scent of a winner

With so many voters still listing themselves as “undecided,” it may be time for the McCain and Obama campaigns to bring out the big guns: perfume.

Russell Brumfield, author of “Whiff! The Revolution of Scent Communication in the Information Age,” has been storming the press to get the word out about the power of “endorphin branding” and how the presidential candidates can use it to their advantage on election day: “Recent brain research shows that scent speaks to people in a powerful language that triggers emotions and memories that influence perceptions and decision-making,” Brumfield says. And who am I to argue with recent brain research?

Let’s let the good folks at askthewhiffguys.com spell it out: “Endorphin branding is the use of scent as a means of imprinting a highly emotional, positive experience in tandem with a targeted signature scent, which can be reintroduced at a later time to trigger and recreate the desired response.”

Well, that’s not creepy at all. But which campaign will seize on this first, turning our precious holdouts into a legion of “Manchurian Candidate”-style sleeper swing-voters? And how will they get close enough to the voting booths to pump in the appropriate trigger scents? There’s obviously only one solution: The candidates will have to get voters to associate them with the smell of elementary school gymnasiums.

I love the smell of subliminal voter manipulation in the morning. It smells like … well, CK One, actually, which is weird.

[Newsweek]

A T-shirt's worth a thousand words

Kids really do wear the darndest things sometimes. Daxx Dalton, an 11-year-old fifth-grader in Aurora, Colo., was suspended for refusing to change out of a homemade T-shirt that read “Obama a terrorist’s best friend.”

After the suspension, the boy’s father, Dann Dalton, was quick to hold a press conference to complain that Daxx’s first amendment rights had been trampled. “It’s the public school system,” Dalton the Elder told the local Fox affiliate. “Let’s be honest, it’s full of liberal loons.”

While the lettering on the XXL white Hanes pocket T won’t win young Daxx any art scholarships, at least it’s all spelled correctly. (Assuming he designed the shirt himself.) So, score one for No Child Left Behind?

But the real issue is that the shirt is too vague. It leaves too much open to interpretation. Yes, OK, fine. “Obama a terrorist’s best friend.” But which terrorist? You’re going to have to be more specific, folks, especially now that you’re planning to pursue a lawsuit.

I’d like to take a moment to address young Daxx himself now: Daxx, my man, it’s no use. The same thing happened to me when I tried wearing my Bart Simpson “Underachiever and proud of it” shirt. You can’t fight the school board. They’re just too powerful. If there’s anyone you should be mad at, it’s your dad. Everyone knows your name is only supposed to have one X.

[source]

Hehe... stimulating

Just added to the recommended links section:

My friend Matt runs a blog, Stimulating the 2008 Presidential Election, that's a whole lot of fun with numbers and odds and things that I don't understand really, because Matt is much smarter than me, though I have better table manners, so it all evens out. Anyway, it involves odds, which makes me think about gambling, and it uses the word 'stimulation' a lot, which makes me giggle. Check it out. You'll obsess.