The debates rage on

Get excited, everybody! The Commission on Presidential Debates (voted sexiest nonpartisan commission in 2007 by People magazine) came out with its list of what they’re doing this year to keep the televised sparring matches fresh and exciting for, let’s face it, easily bored viewers at home. Anything to hold our interest, right?

Gone is the traditional question/answer/rebuttal format. Now Obama and McCain will get two minutes to pander before they launch into a free-wheeling back-and-forth in which they can argue and address each other directly. This raises the truly awesome possibility of Obama whipping out a “Ladies, back me up here” when discussing women’s issues. Awesomeness.

By contrast, the McCain campaign requested a much more structured format for the debate between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden. Yes, but why? According to the New York Times, “McCain advisers said they had been concerned that a loose format could leave Ms. Palin, a relatively inexperienced debater, at a disadvantage and largely on the defensive.”

In response, the McCain campaign was aghast at the level of sexism the McCain campaign has displayed in suggesting that Gov. Palin cannot hold her own against Sen. Biden in the same open format the presidential nominees will be using. Just because she’s a lady? For shame. The McCain campaign also condemned the McCain’s campaign’s attack on Palin’s amount of experience.

Biden’s camp was totally all “Fine, whatever” about the new rules, once again displaying the unparalleled level of nonchalant indifference that really gets voters fired up.

Friday fan-mail roundup!

[Note: Fridays are also snarky gossip days, so head on over to check out the latest edition of the Word, in which we mock Jerry Seinfeld and take Denise Richards to task for her parenting. Fun!]

Since there's no column in the paper on Fridays, I thought today would be a great chance to see what some of my loyal readers think. I get lots of expressive, thoughtful letters, like this one, which ran in Metro earlier this week. Indeed, I should seek counseling. Thanks, Andie! If that is your real name!

Matthew Hoover writes:

I love how you think “giant bowl of suck” makes you appear witty and edgy. Really, it only shows you haven’t a clue. Maybe if you weren’t an Obama mouthpiece you could actually report real analysis and insight. Not that I’d expect much from the Metro. A paper that once again proves the adage that you get what you pay for.

That's cold, Matt. Ryan Karchner writes in with:

How come in your article you didn't mention anything about Barack Obama smoking crack and marijuana in his younger years? I can't believe I'm even wasting my time responding to this article.

Me neither! Thomas Barnes wanted to share, too:

I can see that you do not care about fair and balance news coverage. Your goal is to smear Senator John McCain and Gov. Palin. As of today's date, I am an undecided voter. My vote is starting to swing towards the McCain/Palin ticket. Why? Unprofessional media men like you. I am happy to say your articles are at the bottom of my puppy's bed pan.

Puppies get bed pans now? Awesome. And Joseph Muzzillo sent me this beautiful run-on sentence:

you must be a democrat you always slam palin and mccain obama is no saint he is arrogant and his pie face wife ill send you her thesis send it to butt ugly oprah

Well, that's all for me, folks. Have a great weekend!

"Survivor: Washington"

As you might’ve heard, Barack Obama headed out to Hollywood for a pricey dinner/Barbra Streisand concert to raise money from the only people who have any left in America: celebrities. Among those in attendance: Leonardo DiCaprio, Jodie Foster and Will Farrell. (Bet you didn’t think when you bought that DVD of “Blades of Glory,” some of the money would eventually go toward a $28,000 filet of beef and asparagus in Beverly Hills, did you?)


While discussing our hilarious economic situation with this gathering of values voters, Obama said:

“This is not a reality show, no offense to any of you.” [Pause for laughter] “This is not a sitcom.”

But oh my God imagine if it was! I mean, the primaries were already kind of like “American Idol” anyway, right? With all the voting and everything?

But now I’m thinking we go “Survivor” style, put them all on an island off the coast of Burma or some junk and make them do silly physical challenges until a winner emerges. Plus: OMG, secret alliances! I never would’ve guessed Biden and McCain were working together!

Or we could do it like “The Littlest Groom” and see which one Joe Lieberman likes best, but I think you already know the answer.

As for sitcom ideas, I have three words for you: “My Two Presidents.” Through some electoral fluke, Obama and McCain, who are total opposites, have to run the country together! While sharing a tiny Upper East Side apartment! Hilarity shall then ensue!

Also, another thing Obama said at the Hollywood gala was that to win this, the Democrats need to “cut through the nonsense and the lipstick and the pigs” and good lord he wants to stab Sarah Palin!

This can only help the GOP

In these uncertain times, voters seek a sane voice in the wilderness to guide them, someone of experience and character whose profound, studied opinions serve as an exemplar for how rational thought should win out. And the people have found that voice of reason: Lindsay Lohan.

The actress (still? really?) bravely took to her MySpace blog, her generation’s New York Times Op-Ed page, because, as she puts it, “I really cannot bite my tongue anymore when it comes to Sarah Palin.” She goes on to give a measured, well-researched rebuke of Palin’s policies and… Sorry, I can’t even type that with a straight face.

Under the title "UH OH!" and with her mood listed as shocked (the emoticon for which is a beatific, placid smiley face—who knew?), foreign-policy expert Lohan goes on to call the VP candidate a “narrow-minded, media-obsessed homophobe” who is only qualified to be a news anchor. But she is careful to clarify: “I am not against Sarah Palin as a mother or woman.” Oh, well then. Big ups to you for being so noble.

At least Lindz gets around to discussing something she is an expert in: “Don't pose for anymore tabloid covers, you’re not a celebrity, you’re running for office to represent our, your, my COUNTRY!” Oh, snap and whatnot.

But of course, no Lindsay Lohan think-piece would be complete without a kicker from longtime companion Samantha Ronson, who urges the young folk to vote Obama since she can’t, as she isn’t a U.S. citizen: “If [Palin] gets elected my green card probably won’t get renewed!!!” Hey, Sam. Watch it with the exclamation points. You’re the one stealing jobs from perfectly capable American DJs.

Tragically delicious!

Racial insensitivity is now part of a balanced breakfast, apparently.

Someone with a mastery of subtle political humor put together boxes of this brand of waffle mix and sold them for $10 a pop at the Value Voters Forum. (That line-up of speakers... Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill Bennett, Stephen Baldwin... I just wouldn't know where to begin.)

The cover image really says everything you need to know about how not to draw a political cartoon, and brings to mind such classics of African-American empowerment as Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben. But what you can't see is the back, with Obama in a sombrero and a recipe for "Open Border Fiesta Waffles": "While waiting for these zesty treats to invade your home, why not learn a foreign language?"

Oh, and the top of the box has him in a suspiciously non-Christian headdress. Just to be clear: Is Barack Obama Muslin? (Hat-tip to Jessica.)

[Indecision 2008]

Rampant sexism running rampant

Oh dear. It's gotten this bad. So, most people know already that Tina Fey did a bang-up parody of Sarah Palin next to Amy Poehler's bang-up send-up of Hillary Clinton on "Saturday Night Live" over the weekend. And the response was generally positive, even from Palin herself, showing she may at least have a sense of humor, if not foreign policy experience.

BUT! We still need some Official Outrage® from someone, so out came the McCain campaign's Carly Fiorina to complain that Fey's portrayal was "sexist." Because it made fun of Palin. Because no one's ever made fun of a politician and said mean things about them on "SNL" before. Enjoy:

[Gawker]

Karl Rove knows from going too far

Hey, did you hear? The economy is tumbling at breakneck speed into a giant bowl of suck. If you want to take a second and check to make sure whichever bank you keep your money at is still in business, go ahead. We’ll wait.

OK, good. Now we can move on to more important matters, namely lying John McCain’s untruthful lies. Yesterday, the Obama campaign finally — finally — came out and called foul on the liberties the McCain campaign has taken with the truth. You know, like how Obama wants to teach kindergarteners how to have sex. Or that he called Sarah Palin a pig in lipstick, when even Palin herself will tell you she’s a pit bull in lipstick. Which is… better? We guess?

But the Obama camp was still late to the party, and as usual, a Republican beat them to the punch: On Sunday, Karl Rove, that bastion of decency and even-handed campaigning, said this on “Fox News Sunday”: “McCain has gone in his ads one step too far, and sort of attributing to Obama things that are, you know, beyond the 100-percent-truth test.”

Yes, that Karl Rove. Can we just say, Sen. McCain, you need to stop and examine what you’re doing. When Karl freaking Rove is cautioning restraint, maybe, just maybe, you’ve crossed a line or two. Maybe. It’s worth looking into.

Now that Rove has gone and brought this up on his own, McCain’s adopted daughter would probably like to have a word with him. Just to chat.

[Huffington Post]