From Drink at Work:

This week, check out Ned's re-imagining of the classic rant, "Hollywood is Out of Ideas." With the recent rash of remake and adaptation deals going on in the movie business, there's only one thing an aspiring screenwriter can do: pitch his own.

Included: a sneak peek at Ned's next cinematic masterpiece.

Comic Con Wrap-Up

Here's my latest video for the good folks at Drink at Work. In this week's installment, it's time to review what I learned during my five days in San Diego for Comic Con — aside from where all the open bars near the convention center were. Seriously, I think I was drunk for five days straight. God knows what I really said to Lucy Lawless, but at least she didn't find it offensive.

Anyway, enjoy!

Watching is the new reading

Big news! So my fancy "Drinking in L.A." column over at Drink at Work is now a video series! Because reading is hard! Check it out:

Where to find me

I've started a new weekly column over at Drink at Work.com called Drinking in L.A., chronicling my misadventures in sunny Southern California. Dig in! Also, each column links back here at the bottom, so you can even get yourself in a fun, neverending Ned loop!

Also, I'm on Twitter now. Just like Ashton! You can follow me, if you like.

We're Just That Into Drew (Barrymore)*

Drew Barrymore has one hard and fast rule for ending a relationship: It has to be done in person. No phone calls, no e-mails, no texting — and certainly no changing your relationship status on Facebook. “The older you get, the less OK it gets to do it over any technological device,” she says. “The in-person is a must. Fly, do whatever you can.”

But that aversion to technology doesn’t just go for breakups. Barrymore, who turns 34 later this month, is proud to call herself something of a luddite. “I still have a wall phone, and I love tape and shoot on film,” she says. And Mary, her character in “He’s Just Not That Into You,” is very much the same way, dismayed by technology, trying in vain to make dating work in the age of Myspace and Facebook. “No guys call anymore,” Barrymore laments. “It’s just texts.”

Growing up very much in the public eye, Barrymore’s love life has long been on display — she even co-stars in the film with ex-boyfriend Justin Long. One of the things that drew her to the film was its frank discussion of the perils of modern courtship. “At a certain point, you’re just not willing to accept less than what your heart desires, what you deserve,” she says. “You run into that wall so many times and you hit your head so many fricking times that it’s just there on the floor and bloody, and you’re like, I get it.”

The message of the film — inspired by the book of the same name, which was inspired by a single line of dialogue in an episode of “Sex and the City” — speaks to that growing awareness, Barrymore says. “I think there’s something so great about your friends not coddling you, but being honest,” she says. “You think that you’re helping your friend by being nice, but really the truth will get them so much further in life.”

“It’s real life,” she says of the film. “These not fantastical storylines where someone misses someone in an airport, or someone’s a prince, or someone’s your boss. This is what we’re all really dealing with.”

Barrymore also served as a producer for “He’s Just Not That Into You,” and she’s produced several other films already. Adding an extra hyphen to her job description, she recently made the jump to directing with her debut, “Whip It!” about a girls’ roller derby league in Texas, starring Ellen Page and due out later this year. Acting-wise, she’s due next in “Grey Gardens,” opposite Jessica Lange.

And as for potential boyfriends? “Men build bridges if they want to get from here to there,” she says with a laugh. “They can find your phone number if they want to.” Let’s just hope they don’t decide to send her a text message.

* As the writer of these pieces, I generally have no control over the headlines that run with them, but of course I'm free to give an item whatever headline I want here. But this one? I just had to share it.

Profile: Cornelia Funke

When German author Cornelia Funke sat down to write the main character for the book that would become “Inkheart,” she had someone in mind: Brendan Fraser. Looking for inspiration, she noticed her young son watching “the Mummy” over and over and was impressed with Fraser’s range. “He is very funny sometimes and very melancholy,” she says.

But casting Fraser in the eventual adaptation, Funke learned quickly, was not so easy. “When I said to the studio, ‘I know who the leading man is,’ they didn’t like that,” she jokes. Even Fraser, who had become a close friend since the publication of “Inkheart,” cautioned her to be more flexible, warning that the project could collapse if she continued to insist on casting him. But Funke wouldn’t be deterred. “Of course I had to do it. I’m old-fashioned in that. Then the movie doesn’t happen, so what?”

That cavalier attitude comes from a very successful career — Time magazine dubbed her the “German J.K. Rowling” in 2005 — with many adaptations of her work under her belt. “[‘Inkheart’] is the sixth movie they’ve done from my books,” Funke admits. “I’ve had hundreds of theater productions, children playing them in schools. I’ve seen puppets do my work. A movie cannot be worse.”

Funke came late to writing, starting her career as a social worker. And as a child, she wanted to be an astronaut. “I would never have thought I could do such a magical thing as write a book,” she says. And “Inkheart” was in part created for book lovers like her. “I wrote it as a love song to book-ophiles like me. I wrote them for that rare breed that can’t live without piles of books next to their bed.”

When it comes to these kids today losing interest in books, Funke doesn’t understand the concern, pointing out that when she was a young girl, she stood out for being a book lover. “There were maybe two other children who were passionate about books. The others thought books were boring and want to touch them,” she recounts. “There weren’t these ferocious readers that everybody now says we lost.”

Funke insists that kids have always needed to be encouraged to read, just like today. “You have to show them that a book can be a beautiful thing,” she says, but is quick to add that there are other media through which children express themselves.

“Our children tell their stories in movies or through TV, in games and in videos,” she says. “That is their way of storytelling.” The important thing is to encourage creativity, wherever it pops up. “We have to teach them to do it actively. If they then find their way back to books, that solitary place where they can create their own worlds, wonderful. But we can’t keep saying books are good thing and all other things are bad, because they will always go for the bad things.”

Sad Klaus: Episode 4

So while doing my morning gossip-scouring rounds, I noticed some pap snapped pictures of Lisa Kudrow in a bikini on vacation, and it just didn't seem right. I mean, she's never really been pitched as that sort of celebrity. But I guess with everyone either in D.C. or Utah, they're looking for anything. Anyway, I just thought that I mention that. And here's my interview with Lisa Kudrow.



There’s that old adage about showbiz, often attributed to W.C. Fields: “Never work with children or animals.” Sage advice, it would seem. But Lisa Kudrow begs to differ. And it’s a good thing, too, as her new film, “Hotel for Dogs,” features both children and animals quite heavily.

“I don’t agree with that adage at all,” Kudrow says. “The kids are more professional than me, that’s for sure. They just don’t have a minute off. If there’s a break, it’s, ‘OK, you guys, back to the classroom.’”

In the movie, Kudrow stars as the less-than-desirable foster mother to siblings played by Emma Roberts (Julia’s neice) and Jake T. Austin (of Disney’s “Wizards of Waverly Place”). In a more serious film, Kudrow’s washed-up, failed musician character would be a monster, but in this, her meanness is comic relief. “To me, it’s funny mean,” Kudrow says. “If they were dead serious, then that would be harsh. I had to redo a couple of lines to soften it because I got too mean.”

Best known for her work as airhead Phoebe on “Friends,” Kudrow has spent most of her time since the show ended five years ago doing “independent films that a lot of people don’t see,” such as “The Opposite of Sex” and “Happy Endings,” both directed by her friend, Don Roos, with whom she is also producing a Web series. “We have a similar sense of humor,” she says of their frequent collaborations. “The same things crack us up — not that everything he does is funny.”

She also produced, wrote and starred in the critically acclaimed HBO series “The Comeback.” And while she’s most famous for her work on the small screen, Kudrow doesn’t see herself returning to television anytime soon. “Fans of ‘Friends’ like me as Phoebe,” she explains. “So unless I’m going to do that character on TV, then I think it’s an adjustment they have to make, and I don’t know that any network has time for an audience to make that kind of adjustment.”

So instead, Kudrow will stay on the big screen, even though movies weren’t a part of her life growing up. “I never went to the movies when I was little,” she says. “I never saw ‘Bambi.’ No one took me.” She hasn’t even seen that other big dog movie out now starring that other former “Friend” — Jennifer Aniston’s “Marley and Me.” “I hear it’s really sad,” Kudrow admits. “I’m afraid to take my son to see it.”

NOTE: Sometimes in my quest to make a living off the written word, I am tasked with the truly amazing, like pitting the editors of "Cat Fancy" and "Dog Fancy" against each other. Enjoy.

First “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” stunned critics by taking in almost $30 million in its opening weekend. Then “Marley and Me” took the holidays by storm, earning more than $125 million since its Christmas Day opening. And this weekend, “Hotel for Dogs” joins the fray, hoping to cash in on the latest canine craze. Hollywood has gone to the dogs, as it were.

“Dogs are hot right now,” says Susan Chaney, editor of Dog Fancy magazine. “Even people who don’t like dogs aren’t likely to say so for fear of being uncool or something.”

But what about the cats? “There are many heartwarming stories about cats and how they touch people’s lives, too,” says Susan Logan, the editor of Cat Fancy magazine. Logan points to the film adaptation of the book “Dewey: The Small-Town Library Cat Who Touched the World,” currently in development and set to star Meryl Streep, as evidence that cats will have their cinematic day in the sun as well.

And it’s no accident that “Dewey” was a book first. “Reading and books lend themselves to having a cat on your lap,” Logan says. “Book-lovers and cat-lovers tend to go together.”

As for the rivalry? Logan says there is none. “I loved ‘Marley and Me,’” she says. “Whether dog people or cat people, we both appreciate how important pets are to us.”

The Sad Klaus Christmas Special

"Sad Klaus" episode 2

More Klaus! More sadness! Enjoy.




We'll see how long I can keep this up, and how long Xtra Normal let's me make them for free. Until either of those factors change, enjoy Klaus' pain.

Introducing "Sad Klaus"

While I work up what big changes are coming to the written content of this site in the new year (yay! changes!), I thought I might entertain you with my latest procrastination: The first episode of "Sad Klaus," my very simple animated series about a very depressed bear. Enjoy!





I'll be doing more episodes on a hopefully regular basis. Feel free to let me know what you think!

And more writing coming in January. Promise!

THE WORD: Misty, water-colored memories...

As the dust settles on the devastating breakup of Paris Hilton and chubby Good Charlotte twin Benji Madden, we as a grieving nation need to take a break from the rampant recriminations — he cheated! Allegedly! — and speculation — Prince William stole her heart! OK, not likely! — and try to remember the good times, the glorious highs of this nine-month storybook romance that took an emotionally scarred America and taught it that it was OK to love again. So, in the interest of healing, we bring you the Word’s mixtape of Paris/Benji lovin’. Try and get some sleep, America.


• Back in April, the press was in a tizzy over the couple making it to their second mensiversary — or two-month anniversary to the philistines at People magazine. And no one was more surprised than Paris herself: “He makes me feel really happy, comfortable and really in love,” she told People.com.

• By September, the couple was still going strong, even with the press trying to pull them apart with rumors of Paris canoodling with MySpace CEO Chris DeWolfe. But would it work? Of course not. “We’re really, really happy. In fact, we just celebrated our six-month anniversary,” Paris told E! News. And while she obviously hadn’t been studying her Latin, she had been dabbling in arts & crafts projects, making “a card plastered with pictures of us in happy, gushy couple poses.” Aw, just like any other middle school couple going steady.

• Last month, Paris celebrated her and Benji’s eighth mensiversary in the traditional way: phoning in to Ryan Seacrest’s radio show from London to denounce rumors she’d been getting flirty with Prince William and Prince Harry and to — wait for it — talk about how much she loves Benji. Benji celebrated the same occasion in L.A. by telling Fame News: “I am madly in love with the most beautiful woman in the world.” So really, that should’ve been Paris’ first sign that there might be someone else in the picture.

• Not ones to miss out on the love train, Paris’ parents, Kathy and Rick Hilton, even got in on the action. “He’s changed her life, and I really think she’s genuinely in love for the first time,” Kathy said, while Rick praised Benji’s gluten-free ways: “We love him like family already. Benji doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke and is a healthy vegan!” And even though the gabby ’rents gave those gushing quotes back in April, that last bit got the folks at Ecorazzi.com so excited, they just had to post it — this past Wednesday, the day the breakup was announced. Bummer, man.

The Word: Step into Lindsay's Wayback Machine

Oh, that Lindsay Lohan, always boldly stepping out with new trends. This time, the former “Ugly Betty” guest star and Samantha Ronson arm candy is trotting out some expired terminology while showing her support for Barack Obama.

While doing a post-election wrap-up over at the “Access Hollywood” election center, Lindsay said, “It’s an amazing feeling. It’s our first colored president.”

Hold up, “colored”? For serious? Lindsay, is that how good Long Island girls are raised to talk? I didn’t think so. Stop trying to make outmoded racist terms happen. Dina would be so ashamed if she were capable of shame.

Lindsay finished up her chat with “Access Hollywood” by expressing her hope that “Ugly Betty” co-star America Ferrera would some day achieve U.S. citizenship, then asked a staffer why there was only one water fountain in the hallway.


What is wrong with you people?
Jennifer Aniston has some choice words for the — ahem — gossip-reading public in the new issue of Vogue: “People need to mind their own business.”

So true, girlfriend. She’s speaking, of course, about her on-again off-again relationship with John Mayer. It’s just so unfair that people won’t stop asking her about it. Can’t they all find something more productive to do? It’s not that important.

And Aniston backs this point up by... going on and on and on about the relationship. We mean it, serious overshare alert. First there’s the brief breakup earlier this year: “He had to put that out there that he broke up with me. And especially because it’s me. It’s not just some girl he’s dating.”

Then there’s the state of the relationship as a whole: “It’s funny when you hit a place in a relationship and you both realize that we maybe need to do something else, but you still really, really love each other.” Sheesh. What is wrong with Jennifer Aniston? Can’t she just mind her own business and leave Jennifer Aniston alone?

Something’s different about you
Lance Bass claims that his cosmonaut training for this aborted space vacation a few years back left him two inches shorter. He told Jay Leno: “I got shorter. I did! I don’t know what happened. Everyone said, ‘You’re much shorter,’ so I measured myself and ... yeah.”

Are you sure, Lance? Or is it just that the *NSYNC management team was lying to everyone about their height to make Justin Timberlake believe he was taller? Either way, thanks for all the easy “measured myself” and “lost two inches” jokes. You’re the best!

There's got to be a morning after

Good morning, everybody. And isn't it a hopeful morning? No jokes here today. Instead I just wanted to point out how overjoyed I am with the results of the presidential election last night. And it was the first time in my life that I voted for the winner. That feels weird. But good weird. Anyway, awesomeness.

But it looks to be a bit bittersweet for me, as the final numbers come in for Proposition 8 in California. It's so very, bitterly, ulcer-inducingly close. Within 400,000 votes right now. I'm trying to stay hopeful, since that's what Barack would do. But I noticed one thing: Los Angeles County, where I will be residing starting tomorrow, voted narrowly (20,000 votes) to approve of Proposition 8. What the fuck? That's some welcome.

Well, either we'll come out winners by the skin of our teeth, or I won't have to put up with those "So, you gettin' hitched?" questions. So there's a bright side to everything.

Final thoughts

It’s been quite a ride to today, the great big election that will decide the future of our country — at least until President Bush declares marshal law, because you totally know he will. Don’t test him. Anyway, I’d like to think we’ve all learned something about ourselves during the past few months. But that’s probably asking for too much.

So hopefully by this time tomorrow we’ll have some idea of what’s next for us. Well, for you, at least. After covering the election beat for the past two months, I’ve seen some pretty frightening stuff. Lies, slander, threats of total Armageddon. And that was just my fan mail. They say high-pressure situations reveal a person’s true character, and if that’s true, the America people’s true character scares the bejeezus out of me. Because this high-pressure situation? Didn’t go so well.

So, thanks. It’s been wonderful and enlightening and maybe a little fattening, but whatever the outcome tomorrow, I’m moving to Mexico. At least they wear their political corruption on their sleeves. Plus, on a columnists salary, I can live like a king. Laters!

I want to get out the vote like an animal

Hey there, race fans. Checking in from beautiful downtown Joplin, Missouri, to let you know that Trent Reznor himself sent out an e-mail to Nine Inch Nails fans today, the eve of the election, to implore them to exercise their rights to vote. (Don't ask me how I know when Trent Reznor sends e-mails to Nine Inch Nails fans.)

The only problem? His missive opens: "Next Tuesday we will elect the next President of the United States." WTF? Is Trent trying to thwart the frustrated barista with a nosering vote? I call fraud.

Abandon ship!

Have you seen John McCain lately? At his rallies and public appearances and such? You can see it in his eyes. He’s tired, he’s disappointed — this isn’t how it was supposed to be. Even his finger quotes are phoning it in. He’s just not feeling it anymore.

And he’s not the only one. At a rally in Florida Saturday, Sarah Palin played to a crowd sporting plenty of pro Palin signs — with nary a mention of McCain in sight. Seems much of the party faithful have written off ’08 as a loss and have started hitching their wagons to Palin for a younger, stronger, folksier 2012 run for the White House. And lo, a hockey mom shall lead them. Just not right now, OK?

Even McCain’s dear populist prop, Joe the Plumber, isn’t returning his calls. At a stop last week, John tried to give Joe a shout-out, but Joe was a no-show. I guess Joe’s got bigger things to worry about now, like what kind of point spread his agent can get him in an album/tour combo deal with Live Nation.



Don't forget to remember to vote!

Day one complete

Landed safely in Columbus, Ohio, home of the Keatons and some college that has some sort of football team or something. Made it out of New York, through New Jersey and Pennsylvania and into Ohio. More to come, including maybe some videos that will be entertaining to exactly no one. Ohio!

Good housekeeping

With the election coming up so very, very soon, I figured it's time to get out and see the country, meet some citizens of the Real America before I make fun of them too much. I want my jokes to be accurate, obviously.

So starting Sunday, I'll be writing from the road, keeping all three of you (hi, Mom!) updated on how nutty it's getting out there. There may even be video, if I can ever figure that crap out. And anyone who wants to join me for a big Election Night party in Tucamcari, New Mexico, well let's get it on!

Meanwhile, it's Friday. And even on a national holiday like Halloween, I do not rest in my duty of mocking the celebrities that will soon be my neighbors. So here's the latest edition of The Word, complete with spooky tales of Paris Hilton's dating life, Daniel Craig's inadequacies and Britney Spears' power of attorney. Be afraid!

While you read that, I've got more crap to pack. Toodles.